Don't Kill People, Dammit!
by Blitzindite
Summary: Finding a body in one of the offices had become old news. Their creators and some of the higher-moral Egos could only do what they could to get it in their heads that they. Can't. Kill. People, dammit!


_I think I just wrote a humorous murder one-shot?_  
 _I don't know whether to be disturbed or proud of myself! XD_

 _!POSSIBLE SPOILERS TO 'THE OUTSIDE' AHEAD!_

* * *

In the Egos' dimensional plane, laws worked a little differently. Simple as that. There were no prisons, or law enforcement. There were those with higher morals than some of the others, and it was just up to them to keep the peace. Up to their creators to lay down rules.

Regardless, finding a body in one of the offices had become old news. Usually, the blame could be pinned on Wilford; in which case someone had to hunt him down to clean up his mess. Sometimes it was the Googles, finally managing to make a tiny bit of progress with their secondary objective. Anti could get a little excitable with his knife, whereas Dark didn't take kindly to trespassers. Yan had struck down plenty with his swords; and Chase, sweet as the guy may be, had committed a mass shooting when first created, and had a bad tendency to accidentally shoot other Figments when he didn't pay attention.

Their creators and some of the higher-moral Egos could only do what they could to get it in their heads that they. Can't. Kill. People, dammit!

Unfortunately, Wilford took the rule as a challenge; Yan and Dark didn't even seem the acknowledge it. Chase would hang his head when the rule was brought up, as if shameful; he didn't mean to do it! Besides, they'd only been non-Ego Figments! Anti would let his knife fizzle out in a burst of static, or try to pass it off to Jameson—who, in his defense, had only ever used a weapon on a pumpkin! And the Googles would just nod obediently, programming winning over at the given command.

All in all, Mark, Seán, and the few others who knew about the Egos had their hands full. Their 'babysitting' ranged to anything; from breaking up an argument between Anti and the androids, catching a squirrel that decided to raid the pantry, or trying, _trying_ to keep an eye on their resident serial killers. Their creators could only be grateful that none of them had actually committed a murder _outside_ of the Egos' plane. At least here, any memory of the victim could be erased from other, non-Ego Figments.

From serial killers to squirrely royalty; questionable doctors to eccentric newsmen; the Egos all lived spread between two massive office buildings: Egos, Inc. for the Ipliers, and Ego Central for the Septics. Sometimes…their creators wondered if keeping them all living in close quarters was part of the problem. After all, some of them were constantly at each others' throats. Sometimes literally.

There had been times when the humans had to physically break apart the Egos. Mark had even broken a remote over Google Red's head once, just so he'd release the King from a choke-hold!

Seán had ducked his fair share of flying knives—in which case Anti's eyes would blow wide and he'd teleport into the nearest electronic. Mark had walked in on Bim tearing a chunk of flesh off one of Wilford's most recent victims, hands shaky and blood dripping down his chin, while Seán had nearly torn his hair out when Chase accidentally shot a non-Ego Figment for the second time in a week. Seriously, how do you confuse a pistol with a Nerf gun, and why was he shooting it at strangers in the first place?

Needless to say, horror movies probably didn't affect their creators all that much after seeing how many different ways an Ego could murder someone. From a Figment's heart exploding when a magic trick didn't quite work as planned; to Bim's, er… _'cravings'_ ; to the King _somehow_ getting his hands on a car (seriously, Mark had no clue where it had come from, and still to this day didn't) and crashing it into an occupied building; the creators had probably seen just about everything. To say they weren't scarred for life would _probably_ be a lie.

It didn't matter what their creators said or did—Egos would be Egos. Just made them happy they didn't actually live among humans…

Really, it was amazing none of the Egos had actually killed each other yet; accidental or otherwise.

* * *

 _This is SOMEWHAT linked to 'The Outside'! This would have been placed in the present, however, whereas Outside is about thirteen years in the future. As you can tell, most of the Egos have matured a bit since this; just wanted to write something kind of funny(?) involving 'old habits' if you will._

 _This DOES, however, hint at problems some of the Egos might have later into the fic. ;P_  
 _Can you figure out which habits haven't been dropped?_  
 _Even if you do guess right, I won't confirm it, though. ;P_


End file.
